The Story of Bluebeard[edit | edit source]
Once upon a time, in the fair land of France, there was this dude who owned a ton of land and had a bunch of wives for reasons and his name was Bluebeard. This wasn’t his real name, it was a nickname, idiot. No one knows what his real name is, because he's a player. He was such a player that everyone liked him, but there was something weird about him...whatever.
Bluebeard often went out to beat the bejeezus out of other dudes, leaving whatever wife he had at the time to make sure nothing fucked up happened to the castle. He had a lot of wives, they were all bangin' too. For some reason they all died sequentially whenever he'd get back from fights and he was always getting married.
“Sire,” someone would ask now and again, “what did your wives die of?”
“Hah, my friend,” Bluebeard would reply, “They all died like punks… Ah, I’m very unlucky, and they’re unlucky too! They're buried in the basement,” he added. Nobody found anything strange about that. Nor did the fuckin hot ass slut he married find it strange either.
She went to the castle accompanied by her sister Anna, who said:
“Oh, aren’t you lucky marrying a lord like Bluebeard?”
“Hell yeah, he's buff and got a huge dick, but I don't get why he's called bluebeard. He won't tell me his real name!” said the bride, and the two sisters giggled delightedly. Poor souls! They had no idea what lay in store for them!
A month or whatever later, Bluebeard got on his ballin' horse and said to his wife, “I'm gonna punk some dudes again for a while. Do what the hell you want and make sure the castle stays nice. Here,” he added, handing his bride a bunch of keys, “These are the keys to all the things. But this little key” and he pointed to a key that was much smaller than the others, “opens the little room at the end of the great ground floor corridor. Have friends over and open doors and shit but just don't look in my secret room wiht my dead wives. Got it?” repeated Bluebeard. “I know you're a moron, but don't do it or I'll get pissed and probably kill you.”
“Don’t worry, husband,” said Bluebeard’s wife as she took the keys, “I'm dumb.” After giving her a hug, Bluebeard rode off into the fucking sunset.
The days went by. The young girl invited her friends to the castle and showed them round all the rooms except the one at the end of the corridor.
“I know I said I wouldn't do this thing my husband told me to do but I'm an idiot, why shouldn't I be able to look in that room?” Well, she thought about it so much that she ended up bursting with curiosity, until one day she opened the door and walked into the little room… Of all ghastly horrors! Inside, hanging on the walls were the bodies of Bluebeard’s wives!
She was frightened and fumbled the keys and they fell on the floor. Horrors! He lied about burying his wives, they're all hung and dripping with blood!
The girl summoned up her courage and she noticed that one of the keys – the very key to the little room – was stained with blood.
“Oh shit, better clean it off!” she said to herself. Try as she would, the key would not be clean. She was an idiot though and didn't think to get paint thinner or a degreaser. Too late, Bluebeard came home. Just imagine the state his dumb wife was in!
Bluebeard did not ask his wife for the keys that same evening, but he remarked, “You seem upset, what's wrong? You didn't do something really stupid, did you?”
“Oh, no! No!”
“What the fuck is it then? Did you stop liking me or something?”
“Oh, no! I’m delighted you're back!” But that night, the bride didn’t sleep a wink. Next day, Bluebeard said:
“Give me back the keys,” and his wife hurriedly did so. Bluebeard remarked, “Uh the little key is missing, don't think I'm dumb enough to notice!”
“Is it?” said the young girl shaking, “I must have left it in my room!”
“All right, go and get it.” But when Bluebeard’s wife put the key into his hand, Bluebeard turned white and in a deep hoarse voice demanded:
“Why is this key stained with blood?”
“I don’t know…” stammered his wife.
“Oh I'm stupid and I don't know!!!!" he replied sarcastically "You know very well!” he retorted. “You went in the room and fucking fumbled the keys like a retard. Well you're going back there for good just like all of the other dumb idiots that went in there when I told them not to. You must die!”
“What about the first wife you killed?”
"Uh...hmmm." Bluebeard thought for a moment "Oh yeah, she was just a dumb whore who wouldn't stop begging me to make a tiny room for her." “You must die!” he repeated. Just then, there was a knock at the door and Anna, Bluebeard’s wife’s sister, entered the castle.
“Good morning,” she said, “I've completely ignored all of the loud yelling you were just making and am quite confused. Anything wrong?”
“Not at all, we’re quite well,” replied Bluebeard.
His wife whispered in his ear, “Please, please give me ten minutes to live!”
Bluebeard replied, “What? Whatever, but not more than ten! I'll be counting down, when I get to 0 you're going to visit Mr Sword in Dead Meat Town”
The girl ran to her sister Anna who had gone up to one of the towers and asked her,”Anna, do you see our brothers coming? I really need them to be here!”
But Anna replied, “No, I don’t see anyone. What’s wrong? You look agitated.”
“Anna, please,” said the shaken girl, “look again! Are you sure you can’t see someone?”
“No,” said her sister, “only one or two peasants. Is your husband going to kill you or something?”
Just then the voice of Bluebeard boomed up to them, “Wife, your time is up! Mr Sword wants to load you onto the meat wagon!”
“I’m coming!” she called, but then said to her sister: “Oh Anna, aren’t our brothers coming?…”
“No,” replied Anna.
Again Bluebeard shouted up “WHat the fuck?!”
Trembling like a leaf, his wife went downstairs. Bluebeard was clutching a big knife and he grabbed his bride by the hair…
“Sister, I can see two horsemen coming!” called out Anna from the tower that very moment.
Bluebeard made a face, “Anna get the beers please!”
His wife knelt to implore, “Please, please don’t kill me. I’ll never tell anyone what I saw! I’ll never say a word!”
“Yes, you’ll never say any words, because I'm going to stab you with this knife and you will die!” snarled Bluebeard, raising his knife.
The poor girl screamed, “Have pity on me!”
But he fiercely replied, “No! You must die for reasons!” He was about to bring the knife down on the girl’s delicate neck, when two young men burst into the room: a god damn dragon and a musketeer. They were his wife’s brothers.
They were like "What's up with this shit? Did you do something stupid again?" The brothers asked
Bluebeard laughed and said "So this isn't the first time? Why haven't you killed her already?" and he stabbed his wife in the chest, she was dead forever unless a necromancer brings her to life or if she's a vampire or werewolf!
"Normally we'd be pissed but she did something she wasn't supposed to do so no big deal. Do you have any brews or something?"
Anna came down with the beers and the brothers and Bluebeard all got fucking wasted, man! Bluebeard married Anna and she wasn't a complete moron and never went in that tiny room where he stored dead bodies, but it turned out that his former wife that he just killed was a zombie! They cut her head off and lived awesome lives.