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This is the beginning of the description of Captain Obvious. Captain Obvious has the surname of Obvious, and has attained the rank of Captain. There is a picture of Captain Obvious to the left, and in it he is smiling. The picture shows him as white, with very short hair, an army uniform, and an American flag waving behind him. This is not a picture of Captain Obvious now, but from some period of time ago, precisely when the picture was taken.
I repeat, you are not looking through a portal at a live image of Captain Obvious, standing in front of a flag staring blankly and smiling. Captain Obvious cannot see you. Unless you happen to be reading this article while in the same room as Captain Obvious, in which case he may be able to see you.
Captain Obvious has the usual powers you would expect, and none that are surprising in any way.
Captain Obvious was (or is) in the Army at some point, and did not just dress up in an Army uniform and have his picture taken, or go as 'Captain Obvious' for Halloween.
Ever since becoming a Captain, Captain Obvious has heard all of your jibes to the effect of "Thanks, Captain Obvious!" As a civilian, people had always called him "Mister Obvious" and even as a child "Kid Obvious". You can imagine how this must feel for Captain Obvious, whether the jokes about his obvious nature were accurate or not. Captain Obvious is a human being (Homo sapiens), and all human beings have emotions, including the capability of having hurt feelings, and it would stand to reason that Captain Obvious has had it.
Captain Obvious has had extensive martial arts and weapons training, having been in the military. Captain Obvious returned from a foreign war based on a lie perpetrated by a morally-bankrupt government unwilling to offer adequate aid to him and a public unable to empathize with Captain Obvious' particular pressures. Captain Obvious doesn't communicate well with others now, or does so in hurtful or confusing ways, since the average civilian cannot possibly fathom what Captain Obvious has seen. Captain Obvious has seen more death than you, in your cable-television suburbanite existence, would ever know. How can Captain Obvious love his fellow man in this flimsy, cotton candy veil of a reality, with the knowledge that so many friends and brothers can be senselessly taken at any moment. When Captain Obvious thinks back on all the lives that he himself has taken in the service of his country, he thinks "86 people is an above average number of people to have killed in one lifetime."
But Captain Obvious is a hero. Captain Obvious is a hero because he is an army soldier of America that existed as a soldier in the U.S. Army of America in the United States and as someone who served for even a single second of their life in any capacity of any branch of said patriotic American armed forces service men and women field of duty, Captain Obvious is an American hero and should be rhetorically regarded with the utmost respect and reverence up to and limited to;
1. recognizing any clothing or hats indicating his military service with a nod or salute
2. saying 'thank you for your service'
3. saying 'thank you for spilling your true American blood for the cause of liberty and freedom'
4. free hot dogs or donuts on random occasion,
5. reduced ticket rates at select movie theatres and amusement parks.
6. a gun.
but not including;
1. having to listen to their war stories, terrifying or otherwise
2. having to listen to them at all
3. timely and comprehensive health, pharmecuetical and mental care
4. any benefit of the doubt that they're anything but a rabid right-winger
5. cutting in line in front of me at movie theatres and amusement parks
6. blow jobs
Captain Obvious is and will forever be a token of a true colonialist American heroism (sometimes also heroinism).
In civilized countries Captain Obvious has been seen as a pitiful slaughterer and a puppet of an all-hungry war industry of U.S. Captain Obvious in fact is a mascot of the U.S. war industry, showing his face in places where no man or woman should do. Say, in Scandinavia, people would see Captain Obvious as a heroic patriot by the few right-wing extremists or as a clueless idiot (by the majority, or at least a big slice of the population [Norway, go away!]). Forget about all the profits you silly buggers and see Captain Obvious as a warning sign for anyone with any sense at all. Not that anyone is questioning the below statement...
Captain Obvious is a true American hero and patriot. Now we can all forget about him forever. Sorry for stating the obvious.