This is everything I know about bears.
Bears are assholes
Bears are one of many animal species that will chase, maul, gut, kill and eat you with little to no warning. They're dumb and simple-minded, and may percieve you as a threat one moment, resulting in their skittishness or else a brutal assault. They can be shy and reclusive, or explore into human areas for food. They can expend a lot of energy climbing, swimming, hunting and running, but also get depressed and have to sleep and lay around like lazy jerks for months out of the year. They don't work for a living, but want to take all of your food.
You could say that they're... bear-polar.
Bears like to get drunk on barrels of jet fuel. They get angry real easily and then want to fuck up your shit. They'll steal dumpsters, trash cans, pic-a-nic baskets, or break into cars and shops to get YOUR food that YOU worked hard for. What did the bears do? STEAL IT. They've got the morality of low-level common theives, but the bulk and power of some crazy, jacked up serial killer.
Bears are usually creepy loners, but have been known to commit their stupid crimes in groups. Usually only while mating, or out with its mates, or if a mother is overprotectively raising its young even well beyond the age where the bears should move out of the cave and get their own jobs.
Bears can stand up and walk around and sit down like humans, and even sometimes wear neckties and/or have country jamborees, but they are not humans. They are wannabes. If they would just recognize how cool they are on their own, maybe they wouldn't be so douchey.
Bears will eat just about anything, and they will do just about anything to get it. This is what makes them the most dangerous and powerful animals in the Revengerists universe. They will eat tuna, salmon, berries, trees, raccoons, seals, other bears, humans, birds, insects, lizards, babies, dogs, cats, nuts, honey, bees, ants, dirt, cans, rotting fruit, old tires, parts of themselves if they have to, hub caps, dictionaries, the President of Canada, dinner guests, skunks, nasty ol' possums, foliage, blood, bones, sandwiches, fermented soy beans, bowling bowls, and ferrets. All these and more have been found in bear stomachs.
Once a scientist opened up a dead bear's stomach and saw his own operating room from above with an aerial view of himself opening up the dead bear's stomach in which he saw smaller operating rooms all the way down. He stitched that shit up real quick and went as fast as he could to a local bar.
Bears are so dumb they just wait at the mouth of a river or waterfall with their mouth open and wait for fish to plop into their mouths, instead of just going down to the local fish market like my mom does.
They especially like to maul people (and monkeys) to death on television or other entertainment venues. Bears love the spotlight, but also flip out and go murder-crazy for no good reason.
bears make many guttural sounds, from moans and barks to the signature huffing of a savage bear approaching. But the growls and deafening roars of a massive bear is anything but cuddle, and can chill your blood and stun your mind into paralysis, easy prey for the attack to follow.
Bears are equipped with large piercing canine teeth and crushing molars typical of dangerous herbivores, jaws clamping with a bite force of over 1,200 psi (over 540 kilograms), and are in a constant state of re-evolving their carnassal teeth.
Bears' long, curved, nonretractable claws are used for digging, climbing, tearing, and catching prey. But mostly for grabbing and ripping your dumb ass in half as punishment for getting close to a bear.
Bears reserve their energy during the winter months by reducing their heartrate and only getting up to eat their stored food and poop, much like my older brother. They eat a lot throughout the year in order to pack on extra fat reserves during their sleepy bear times. Again, like my older brother. The emerge from their caves lean and svelte from the hard winter months, unlike anyone in my family at all. Fully rested, they immediately begin to track down the nearest campers to kill.
Bears are ferocious fighters, and utilize a special attack reminiscent of the berserkers of old, known as the bearserker rage. They completely lose all control when they go into this blackout frenzy, and many bears later describe their actions as 'not being myself, sort of watching myself outside my body.' They have been recruited by humans for use in wars, but still usually end up mauling just anybody in sight (see: Wojtek). Things that anger bears include; being hunted for sport, fighting over their kills, protecting their cubs, destruction of their habitat, being surprised or cornered, being captured and forced to box or dance for our amusement, or for no Goddamned reason at all.
If a bear hugs you in some sort of.. uh... type of hug or whatever, you are most likely doomed.
Tips on Surviving Bear Attacks
You probably won't. Every time I hear some advice on how to avoid being eaten by a bear, I hear some other shit that contradicts it. Like, don't leave your food around for bears to get at, because it will attract bears. Then some other 'bear expert' (or bearxpert) tells me, "nah, that doesn't matter. If you are camping and you've tied your food on a branch out of bear reach, then the bears will just get frustrated and mad and eat you instead." Or the old adage to play dead, which isn't consistent across bear types (see below). You can't run, because bears are faster than humans. You can't hide, because bears will use their sense of smell and digging claws to open up and get at anything (outhouses, cars, cabins, crates, bee hives). You can't swim away, because bears are excellent swimmers. You can't climb a tree, because bears are natural aficianados at tree-climbing. Fighting is right out.
I heard somebody say once that you don't have to outrun a bear, you just have to outrun your friend. This is assuming that your friend is with you when you are chased by a bear, and that you don't mind being haunted by the blood-curdled screams of your friend for the rest of your days. Some people do mind, I don't know.
There are only a few proven ways to avoid being killed by a bear. One; don't go anywhere that bears are. This includes any woods and forested areas, zoos, circuses, Bear Island, Paddington Station, Russia, or Canada.
Another safety precaution is to just kill any bears you come across. This can be accomplished with heavy artillery and explosive ordnance, but even then is not definite. They can take a couple shotgun blasts to the head at close range, even if they're not zombie bears. If a bear is definitely coming at you, lunge in such a way so that the bear impales itself on a sharpened log, like in the Edge with Anthony Hopkins because that was kickass. Otherwise, you can just hope that another bear shows up to fight that bear, but then you might just have two angry bears coming after you instead of one. There is no assurance that any bear will ever be a friendly or gentle bear.
If your archery skill is high enough, you could probably take bears out with a couple of arrows to the head.
Bears will violently defend their territory and habitat, and are known to help prevent forest fires.
Baby bears, or babears, are super cute. This is a trick. They will probably:
- just entice you to come closer so that their unnecessarily over-protective demon-beest will come out of nowhere and maul you to death
- lure you into their homes with false promises of porridge, only to have their parents maul you to death
- endear themselves to you, then grow up and turn on you at the drop of a hat
- just maul you as a baby bear. it's not as effective, but it's still pretty effective. They are still a bear, after all.
Da bears usually have two cubs, or only one of da cubs. It is common to see bear families consisting of a papa bear, a mama bear, and a baby bear, though inexplicably they will all have different preferences for soup temperature and mattress softness.
Baby bears will stay with their mother until she gets sick of having them around and decides they need to go off to Bearversity. This is usually because the mother wants to hit the dating scene again without the baggage.
Otherwise known as 'Bearbuse.' Some people like to torture bears for fun and profit. This is not cool, no matter how deadly, threatening and douchey bears are. Some cruel villains in Russia and China will trap a bear in a tiny cage so that it cannot move around, and then shove a hot, sharp shunt into its body to harvest its useless bile from their gall bladders. The acid and blood burns the bear as it unsanitarily drips out, and the torturers usually unceremoniously rip out the claws and teeth to hobble the beasts even further while they laugh. They'll make them dance while their guts dangle from the hole and put cigarettes out on their snouts. Even if a mama bear has a baby bear, they will tear it from the mother and shove it into a tiny cage and do the same, even as it outgrows its container they just kick it and call it names for no reason. The bear bile isn't even worth anything, they just sell it as some pseudoscientific cure-all, even though they could probably just use anything for that, like things that wouldn't require bear torture.
Is it any wonder they hate us?
Communing With Bears
Is not advised.
Even if you are a bear-loving naturalist who has spent decades getting to know a group of wild bears, slowly acclimating them to your presence and familiarizing them enough that they are comfortable with you 'booping' them on the nose, and even if you somehow feel 99.99% sure that those bears love and trust you and the idea of violence against you never crosses their simple bear minds... that doesn't mean that some other asshole bear from two territories over won't come along and maul you to death.
Even people who have hand-reared, raised, and trained bears for their whole lives could never know when one is about to bite your head clean off. Even if the bear looks cute and nice and is riding a unicycle--- you know what? Especially if the bear is riding a unicycle. Don't trust that bear's shit.
Even at the zoo, don't get to close. They will pull your ass through the bars and chew the skin right off of you like an overconfident peacock if given half a chance.
Bears evolved from a small raccoon-like creature millions of years ago, but are somehow related to dogs, suggesting that bears are in a constant state of getting larger and larger, with no signs of stopping any time soon. At one point California was overrun by superlarge bear megafauna, but the cannons of Spanish ships and soldiers eventually drove them to extinction. Current efforts are underway to eradicate bears from the planet, via hunting, trapping, deforestation, and global warming.
You will be relieved to know that the vast majority of bear species have gone extinct.
Types of Bears
Are brown. These are purportedly the type of bears that you can 'play dead' for. They do not like to eat dead or rotted things, and are stupid enough to think that you would already be rotting even though they just watched you fall down literally two seconds ago. (And obviously they eat some dead things because they kill things and then eat them. They don't just like stop eating once the screaming stops, although if they did that would be pretty badass).
Also, they may check for a pulse; this is a bear trick! Bears are never sure when something is truly dead and don't know how to take a pulse, because they can't get doctorates or even nursing degrees. But they do know that this bluffing behavior often tricks their nervous prey into giving themselves away, at which point they will kill you dead and then eat you.
Are black. Though smaller than brown bears, they can be just as dangerous and vicious, and in fact do not give a fuck if you are pretending to play dead. Since black bears are scavengers, they eat dead things all the time, and will happily use their razor sharp claws and teeth to rip open your torso while you continue to close your eyes and pray that this will all be over soon if you could just lay still and quiet enough.
The best thing to do with a black bear is to make a lot of noise, appear to be larger than you are and freak them the fuck out. If you can make them think that you are a brown bear, that would be great, since Brown Bears eat Black Bears, because of racism. Bearacism.
Grizzly and Kodiak Bears
Will kill you no matter what. You are fucked. Just lay down, not because you are playing dead, but because there is no hope. Because you're not playing. You are fucking dead already.
Are similar to above (and are tied with Kodiaks as largest bears), but are white with cute lil black snouts and are even more tenacious and dogged in their hunting and tracking of prey. They will cover hundreds of miles of frozen terrain to search out the deliciously fatty seals, elk, wolves, walrus, moose, and other normally badass creatures that they kill and devour easily. Once they have your scent, you are done for. They will cover their noses in ice storms so that you don't see them coming.
If you're in a place where all four walls face South, then you are at the North Pole, and any bears passing by will be white.
Luckily for us, global warming is stranding all of the polar bears on tiny icebergs with Ice Hermits, so they'll be extinct soon. Once more reason to love global warming! Of course, Polar Bears are great swimmers, and will probably just head South for the Winter. They may be anemic and prefer the warmer climate.
How to Catch a Polar Bear
You will need; an icepick, a can of frozen peas, something to hide behind, and a magazine or something.
First cut a hole in the ice with the icepick, then carefully place frozen peas around the rim of the hole. Hide behind a rock or something and wait. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
Sun Bears are Southeast Asian bears with disgustingly long tongues and distinct markings. Also known as honey bears for their voracious appetites for honey, they often live in honeycomb hideouts and are known to be the smallest of bears, yeah, yeah, yeah, not big, no, no, no. They live in the tropics and eat just about anything with their powerful jaws.
Are the laziest of all bears, which is really saying something. Though dangerous if encountered, they are unlike their bear brethren (bearthren) in that they prefer to just lay on top of termite mounds and eat the gross sticky bigs as they emerge from the hole. They roll around and lap up whatever food is within reach, and groan and bitch about it if they have to move. They are easy prey for Bengal tigers, who are much more proactive and dangerous. One tiger was reported to simply break its victim's back with its paw, then wait for the paralysed bear to exhaust itself trying to escape before going in for the kill.
Are the nerds of the bear family.
Used to not be thought of as an actual bear, but is now believed to be closer to a bear than a raccoon. Because fucking look at it. They sleep a lot because they're constantly eating complex, tough carbohydrates, and in fact are going extinct because their stupid bear bodies evolved away from being diverse omnivores and 'adapted' to primarily eat a single food source for fuel, so that when they cannot find it they die out. Brilliant strategy, nature.
They are very difficult to get to mate in captivity because they like feel a little romance. They have to really know the other bear, you know? They usually only have one cub, due to China's one-child policy, and their babies are very fragile and adorable. They have powerful sneezes that even surprise their parents.
Pandas get really mad when you don't eat their cheese.
They are the mascots of the WWF, not because they are good wrestlers, but also not because they are a great success story of conservation efforts.
Koalas are not actual bears, but disgusting marsupials. They are still assholes, however, since they may drop on you and attack you with their weird thumbs and claws, are constantly drunk on Eucalyptus, and can give you syphilis.
Teddies are not actual bears. They are plush toys that were fashioned after Teddy Roosevelt refused to kill a baby bear chained to the ground and beaten into submission. Good old Teddy found it unsporting, so he snapped the baby bear's head with his bare hands to put it out of its misery.
Poohs are not actual bears. Though Pooh Bears do share a love of honey, climbing ability, and laziness with proper bears, there is no recorded instance of a Pooh Bear attacking and killing a human, which is the taxonomical requirement that biologists use to determine what is a bear and what isn't. They are more apt to befriend pigs and humans than to eat them.
Bear Gryllis is not an actual bear. He is a survivalist who likes to wedge himself into dark crevasses and drink his own pee on camera.
- The bear is the official state bird of California, even appearing on its flag. This makes no sense, since everyone knows that bears are badass and Awesome and California is full of lily-livered panty-waisted liberal whiny sissies. Also, bears were hunted to extinction in California by the Spanish years before it was even a state.
- Contrary to popular myth, Chicago has no bears.
- Davy Crockett kilt him a bar when he was only three.
- Those who are able to survive bears by talking over their problems as known as Bear Whisperers ... 99% of people who believe they have this ability do not, and there is a 1% margin of error because there is 0% chance this will ever work.
- The US Constitution includes an amendment providing for the Right to Bear Arms. Any US Citizen is entitled to own as many bear arms as they want, so long as they ripped them from the bear themselves in a fair and sportsmanlike manner, bare-handed. If you're the one who ends up losing your arms, well, that's just the way the game is played. There's nothing that can be done about that. Don't come sucking up to me and Uncle Sam later begging for a bailout because you don't know the proper way to rip off a bear's arms.
- Bears appear as the final boss of every video game, but you usually do not see them because they're just that good.
- Many beers use bears as their mascot. These are some of the best ones. Except for Bear Whiz Beer. Avoid that one at all costs.
- Because bears are powerful but lazy, they are the perfect metaphor for a declining economic market. During such a "bear market" or "bearket", the economy is sluggish, jobs have a low pulse, and everyone emerges smelling like piss and shit.
- Bears are also a term for large, hairy gay men. This is because they have been known to eat out of garbage bins and go out and kill people who surprise them.
- The Berenstein Bears were horribly mutated anthropomorphic bears that wore clothes and taught heavy-handed preachy lessons decrying television, candy, and any other forms of fun-having.
- Common human names derived from bears include Bjørn, Bär, Bern, Ursula, Medvedev, McMahon and Borland.
- Bears were worshipped by fearful peoples throughout history (and in Modern-day Canada) and mythological bears represent strength, power, vigilante justice, retribution, drunkenness, uncivility, danger and bad attitudes. This makes them perfect candidates for mascot of the Revengerists.
- Russians and Finnish symbolically identify their nations with bears. Koreans claim to be partially descended from bears. Whut.
- Vikings used to ride bears into battle, see: Jim Vivas for reference.
- The hero from Altered Beast could turn into a Bear in the second level. There was no reasoning behind this, but the bear could breath a weird bubble and his jump attack was turning into a ball.
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