"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans, who wish to pay me tribute." - Dracula
Humans (Homo Sapiens
Sapiens(We named ourselves wise twice, then science recanted one.)) are primates of the family Hominidae, and the only extant species of the genus Homo (Because let's face it, humans are gay). Humans are characterized by having a brain (WHICH SURPRISINGLY DYSFUNCTIONAL MOST OF THE TIME) relative to body size, with a particularly well developed neocortex, prefrontal cortex temporal lobes, and -in some rare cases- penises making them capable of abstract reasoning, language, introspection, problem solving, totally nailing your mom, and culture through social learning. This mental capability, combined with an adaptation to bipedal locomotion (i.e. walking, you idiot) that frees the hands for manipulating objects, has allowed humans to make far greater use of tools than any other species and also a large amount of MASTURBATION. Humans are the only extant species known to build fires and cook their food and put date rape drugs in strangers' drinks, as well as the only known species to clothe themselves and their pets and create and use numerous other technologies and arts, on top of creating vast social networks, the internet, memes, and vast amounts of racial slurs on Xbox Live. The scientific study of humans is the discipline of anthropology, which is Latin for 'a huge waste of time'.
The actual defining factor of humans is their incessant desire to fuck everything: themselves, each other, animals , dead things, inanimate objects, Aliens, their food, planets , society, governmental bodies, the justice system, their home planet. They will fuck anything, they will fuck you. You have been warned.
Humans think they're so great and everything loves them, they think they're unique in their ability to communicate, but if you just look at the internet you'll see this is far from true. Humans create (unnecessarily) complex social structures composed of many
cooperating and competing groups cliques, from families and kinship (facebook friends) networks to states retarded plots of land where people can eat shit and die. Social interactions between humans have established an extremely wide variety of values, social norms, and rituals, which together form the basis of human society the overexaggerated and completely stupid routines humans do that go against any sort of grain of logic. Humans are noted for their desire to understand and influence completely fuck their environment for their own personal gain, seeking to explain and manipulate phenomena through flail about retardedly and abuse science, philosophy,mythology, and religion...mostly to either increase their wealth and/or penis sizes.
Homo sapiens originated in Africa, where it reached anatomical modernity about 200,000 years ago when some douchebag alien came to earth and fucked with things in a really bad way he did NOT intend and began to exhibit full behavioral modernity (I.E. morbid curiousity in the subjects of puting things around and/or inside their genitalia) around 50,000 years ago. The human lineage diverged from the last common ancestor with its closest living and intellectually superior relative, the chimpanzee, some five million years ago, evolving into the Australopithecines and eventually the genus Homo. The first Homo species to move out of Africa were the closeted businessmen/politicians/religious figures , the African variety of which, together with Homo heidelbergensis, is considered to be the immediate ancestor of modern humans. Homos proceeded to colonize places like San Francisco and West Hollywood, around 100-1000000 years ago, Australia around 40,000 years ago, the Americas around 15,000 years ago, and remote islands such as Hawaii, Easter Island, Madagascar, and New Zealand between the years AD 300 and 1280.
Humans began to practice sedentary agriculture about 12,000 years ago, domesticating plants and animals which allowed for the growth of civilization and subsequently sex shops that sell various sizes of dildos and fleshlights. Humans subsequently established various forms of
government, religion, and culture around the world, unifying people within a region and leading to the development of states and empires and porn studios. The rapid advancement of scientific and medica l understanding misinterpretation in the 19th and 20th centuries led to the development of fuel- drivenwasting technologies and improved retarded health, causing the human population to rise exponentially. With individuals widespread in every continent except Antarctica, humans are a cosmopolitan species, and by 2012, their population was estimated to be around 7 billion.
- 1 History
- 2 Habitat and Population
- 3 Biology
- 4 Psychology
- 5 Culture
- 5.1 Language (Words)
- 5.2 Gender Roles
- 5.3 Kinship
- 5.4 Ethnicity
- 5.5 Society Government And Politics
- 5.6 Trade and Economics
- 5.7 War
- 5.8 Extinction
- 5.9 Material Culture and Technology
- 5.10 Retarded body Culture
- 5.11 Religion and SPirituality
- 5.12 Philosophy and Self Reflection (I.E. Egotism)
- 5.13 Science and Mathematics (or how we shoot big penis shaped objects into the moon)
- 5.14 Art, Music, Literature, and Self-Masturbatory Bullshit
History[edit | edit source]
Humans don't even know where they came from. Many of them try to say they are from space, or the Gods, or space Gods, but this is Utter Bullshit. Humans came out of Africa, which is known to Science as fact. However a lot of humans are racist, and refuse to believe the facts.
Evolution[edit | edit source]
De-volution[edit | edit source]
The theory of de-evolution conludes that human beings were becoming dumber and less thoughtful as time goes on. There is significantly more redily available evidence of Human De-evolution. This is happening at a far faster rate than evolution, and is preventing most of mankind from achieving awesomeness. The earliest evidence of this was reported by Devo and the information was expanded upon by their devotees before being thouroughouly studies by top science-likey-people with lab coats and beakers full of different coloured liquids.
You may have already noticed these signs of Devolution:
- Developing animalistic, bizarre, and more primal sexual habits.
- Music created by newer humans is inferior to that of older specimens.
- Today's youth no longer enjoy the hobbies and passtimes of your youth.
- Creation of a dance to a song that's named after a dance.
- We're pinheads now, we are not whole
- We're pinheads all, Jocko Homo
- Body Odor
- Unpleasant Attitude
- Hair in odd places
- Odd colored hair
- facial peircings
- rock and roll
Evidence from molecular biology[edit | edit source]
Evidence from the fossil record[edit | edit source]
Anatomical adaptations[edit | edit source]
Rise of Homo sapiens[edit | edit source]
Transition to civilization[edit | edit source]
Habitat and Population[edit | edit source]
Humans come from earth. They are not from space. If a human comes from space, they're LYING.
Biology[edit | edit source]
Human biology is gassy. Seriously, when humans aren't eating, masturbating, fucking or sleeping, they are usually found evacuating methane from their posterior bodily orifice. And to be fair, they are also know to do this even when they are eating, masturbating, fucking and sleeping.
Genetics[edit | edit source]
Life Cycle[edit | edit source]
"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake, son." - Eddie Temple
Diet[edit | edit source]
Okay, drop everything you know. We're gonna start you out on a high protein and low carb meal routine. Then we'll introduce some carbs to get that ENGINE going. Hopefully you'll be able to build some mass and get totally ripped man.
Biological Variation and Race[edit | edit source]
For some reason Humans put a huge emphasis on bio-diversity in their own species. This has resulted in really unfunny cartoons and backs of the bus.
Psychology[edit | edit source]
"I'm a huge wanker. Fuck my pussy." - Sigmund Freud
Sleeping and Dreaming[edit | edit source]
Humans often lie down and "rest their eyes" this is known as "sleeping". Sometimes humans go to bed with other humans in groups of 2 or more and mash their genitalia together, and anywhere else it fits, this is known as "sleeping together".
If the event of "sleep" has begun, or "sleeping together" has become too tiresome Homo Sapiens may fall into a hibernative state up to 16 hours during which time many "Dreams" may occur. A Dream is a halucination wherein the viewer generally has no control over the events. When dreams are frightening this is known as a nightmare, named after the dashing Night Mare, a pony whose heart is as black and incorporeal as her coat. Dream-control may be granted through the power of lucidity, or technical assistance, resulting in a sensation similar to an out of body experience. At any time during any dream you may enoughter This Man, he is often quite helpful, but one may be suspicious of his motives.
As stated, dreams may vary. The human conscious and subconscious is vast and also stupid so as according to Forest Gump "Dreams are like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get, sometimes you might get almonds or fudge or truffles or weird vagina bear things." Anyone is capable of dreaming except the dreamless, a dream can contain anything the human mind is capable of thinking: food, drink, running really slowly, fucking a man you know who happens to have a vagina in the dream, dick-girls, women who turn into tape cassette players when you try to fuck them, and mostly sex. Actually most dreams consist of good or not good sex and quite often do not deviate from the subject.
Consciousness and Thought[edit | edit source]
No one is quite sure how consciousness and thought arose in humans, as they do not quite seem capable of it. Their abilities in this arena are not dissimilar from dogs, or dolphins, or vampire bats, or pangolins, or chameleons, or tarsiers, or praying mantises, or ravens, or doves, or moray eels, or octopi, or koala bears, or red pandas, or alligators, or tigers, or ocelots, or grizzlies, or gorillas, or elephants, or bees.
When a human has a single thought (or seme), it may evolve in a collection of thoughts (or opinion), or become hardwired enough to be practically permanent (a belief). When humans act on these thoughts, they call it a choice.
Human thought is rife with logical fallacies and traps, and the human brain seems just as willing to trick itself as it does others. Humans "believe" ridiculous Bullshit (see below) because their brains are not wired correctly to exist in an objective, hard reality.
Most thoughts humans have are called errant, which means they are useless and pointless. For hilarious reasons (see Egotism, below), humans have convinced themselves that their consciousness is higher than pigs or pigeons or cockroaches. The underwhelming results of their philosophy, psychology, and neurology would tend otherwise.
The thoughts of humans have allowed them to undertake many pointless, idiotic, self-destructive, psychopathic and/or emo actions. They have been known to engage in school shootings, drug abuse, religious flagellation, unrequited love, suicide, video game grinding, unprotected sex, guitar playing at parties, glasses wearing, high-risk derivative trading, exploring haunted houses, anti-vaccination campaigning, animal abuse, arson, bed-wetting, sky-diving, crocodile-wrestling and politics. If this is the best human thought can offer, they had better think twice about placing themselves above octopi. Or rocks, for that matter.
Motivation and Emotion[edit | edit source]
Main Article: Sex
Most humans can only think about the pursuit and acquisition of sex. This is the only driving factor of human motivation. If you see something a human has created, most of the time it is for the simple purpose of slapping their meat against some other person's meat. See also: Art.
Chemicals in the human brain dictate all of human behavior, but they believe (from the inside) that they are unique and special flowers with important and real feelings of cosmic import, or that their choices are free and that their life goals matter in the empty black aether of an ever-expanding cosmos and infinite realm of universal time. They don't. It's just chemicals. Get over yourself. Go have some sex or something.
Sexuality and Love[edit | edit source]
Because of their overwhelming obsession with connecting their flesh dots together, humans tend to place the highest amount of importance on sex, which has caused a phenomenon of sexual culture within the world. Entire societies are driven by sex and a symptom of this - tied to sex - is the chemical reaction known as "love." It is a toxic manipulation that masks the stupidity of one's sexual pursuits and causes a defensive reasoning behind their actions. Most people will justify their feelings of "love" by stating it has nothing to do with sex, but when all media, story-telling, and understanding of the world is revolving around intercourse, cunillingus, and scat-play, you can bet your lucky horses that love is a GIANT FUCKING COPOUT.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Language (Words)[edit | edit source]
No one is quite sure how words came about, but it is known that at one point in human evolution, truncated grunts denoting emergencies and emotional states gave way to context cues that allowed for deeper meaning. It may have been the work of mischievous Gods or aliens, or even the powers of psychotropic mushrooms and alcohol. But as human brains got larger, so did their vocabulary. Most humans speak at a fourth-grade level, which is an arbitrary distinction that humans have contrived to describe themselves as dumb.
With the rise of agriculture and merchantry, humans needed to record their dumb word concepts into permanent and portable written form. This began with the idiotic scribblings of simple symbols on handheld clay tablets, soon replaced by ink on pounded reeds, followed thereupon by wood pulp bound in leather and glue. The system was mechanized for easy replication and nifty Ex Libris plates, all of which the humans thought made them very clever. It got to the point where humans saved their fancy words and scribblings into electronic form on large digital storage devices, eventually miniaturizing these into handheld tablets, thus completing the cycle.
All of this had the unintended affect of destroying their once-beautifully evolved mental acuity for memory, patience, attention, focus, self-reflection and deep cognition.
Most language is actually nonverbal, which is convenient, because most language also has the intent of getting humans sex. It is also convenient in that most humans suck at speaking amd spelling.
Gender Roles[edit | edit source]
Some Humans consign eachothers tasks based on genetalia, and have clearly defined cultures and expectections from each gender. These people are boring.
This is especially confusing since one gender is 'man' and the other is 'woman' which has the word 'man' in it. Men have told themselves and anyone else who would listen that women are inferior, when the opposite is almost always true.
To further complicate matters, 'man' is also synonymous with human, as 'mankind' is synonymous with 'humankind.' This is another example of the patriarchy trying to leave women out of everything, in this case the very species itself.
Kinship[edit | edit source]
Humans are social creatures, like their forbears the other apes and primates. Humans love each other, as well as the aforementioned dogs, but this is very limited. More often than not, humans are seen hating each other, challenging, warring with, one-upping, disenfranchising, genociding, or cockblocking one another, among many other deplorable acts. They would sooner put hot pokers in your eyes than help you move. And that is if you are friends. It is not easy to be friends with a human, as they will probably gossip about you behind your back, sleep with your significant other, plot against you, steal your promotion, make you feel like shit in front of others, pull pranks on you, or sell you out to the 'po.
It takes a long time for a human to trust another human for these reasons, and is nigh-impossible on a large global scale. This is a big part of why their species is doomed. Even laudable goals like 'world peace', 'saving the world,' 'helping others' and 'holding hands' are usually derided by most humans as 'weak', 'gay', 'sissified' or 'hippy-dippy bullshit.' Without hope, there is nothing.
This lack of kinship is evident in the way humans structure their literature (see below) as a series of contests and conflicts including; Man v Man, Man v Nature, Man v Machine, Man v Self...
If this view seems misanthropic, pessimistic, cynical and paranoid, then you are starting to get an idea of how a typical human thinks about other humans.
Ethnicity[edit | edit source]
Humans use this to diferentiate between themselves and those fucking bastards who ain't like us. Those people dress funny, talk funny, smell funny, and do all sorts of strange shit, and I don't fucking understand it. They should be doing things the way me and my people do, so let's hit them with sticks until they come around to the right way of thinking instead of being so weird, and if that doesn't work let's have a war, and kill 'em all. Let our deity sort them out, since their deity is just a faerie tale.
Society Government And Politics[edit | edit source]
In its original form, the largest and most powerful humans would just tell the others what to do under fear of death. As social creatures, humans did not take to this bullying, and soon formed groups (or gangs, posses, tribes) to deal with the despotic threat. As a now more-powerful group, those well-connected leaders had better access to resources, influence and child-bearing women. They immediately abused their privelege and just became a larger group of despots, resulting in an even larger group of humans, the masses, overthrowing their tyrannical rule.
This continued for some time, with old despots and groups of despots being replaced with other of the exact same ilk, occasionally punctuated with the rare wise and benevolent leader, which gave faith to the masses that their ridiculous system was worth it. Most leaders were killed by mass revolts, or by usurpers and pretenders to the throne, which makes one wonder why anyone would fight so hard to get it in the first place. On the whole, the powerful parasitically used the majority for their sick pleasures, leisurely lifestyle, production of goods and services, building of civilization on their backs, and gave little in return. Why nobody realized that the individual despots where not the problem, but the system itself, is beyond me.
Time and time again, humans did attempt to parameterize the social contract that largely kept them safe and organized in a society, at the expense of total freedom, individuality, liberty or expression. When such feudal serfdom was seen as thoroughly corrupt, rules were written to allow more humans a say in the governing bodies, or body politics, of their societies. Democracies were organized so that the masses could elect representatives who would then go on to ignore their constituencies and act in their own greedy self-interests as the same powerful elites had before. Communism was developed as a way to ensure that all humans were treated equally, and leaders were appointed to divide the resources in an egalitarian way. These party leaders again used their control of resources to enrich and benefit themselves while letting the masses starve and fend for themselves.
Governments formed militaries ostensibly to protect their citizens from unseen and spooky dangers, and used the citizens themselves to fight whichever wars amused their representative overlords. Such militaries were also useful should the masses catch on to the game yet again and attempt a revolt.
Eventually, all pretense was done away with, and a form of unregulated free market capitalism was enstated worldwide which allowed private owners to brutishly carve out their own chunks of land, gold, fuel, water, other humans etc., alone or in cabals of other rich lords, who bought or weakened the very governments and regulatory bodies themselves, until the system became indistinguishable from feudal serfdom, thus completing the cycle.
Trade and Economics[edit | edit source]
War[edit | edit source]
uuugh what is it good for? thinning the herd.
Extinction[edit | edit source]
Material Culture and Technology[edit | edit source]
Retarded body Culture[edit | edit source]
Human expression, as stated, is simply retarded. This leaks into and poisons their bodies as well. People in modern times have a tendency to modify their bodies for the purposes of "self-expression" or "art." Putting a piece of metal or plastic through flesh is considered culturally relevant and expressive.
Religion and SPirituality[edit | edit source]
People believe in big glowy balls that gave them their genitals and are big babies.
It is much easier to convince large herds of humans that their slavery, serfdom, hatred of other kin groups, mistreatment, or suffering is acceptable if you first convince them that the magnificent sky Father simply decreed it to be so thousands of years before they were born. He did it so long ago that you can't change the rules now, and he is all-powerful so don't bother challenging him on this. Further, if you put up with your suffering and shut the fuck up about it, you may get to enter a blissful life after death, which would otherwise be scary as hell. A complex series of nonsensical rules would come form the invisible, intangible sky Dad, but specifically told through the mouthpiece of powerful humans on Earth. These humans did not live in suffering, but had the good fortune to be holy messengers of the sky Dad, so shut the fuck up and don't question his infallible grace.
This was a pretty good scam. So good, in fact, that it independently sprouted up in multiple places at various times all across the Earth. This was problematic, as the truth is not supposed to be relative, and you can't have sixteen different holy leaders spouting sixteen different versions of sixteen different sky Dads. Easily corrected, however, when you tell your flock of humans that the other guys are evil, and need to be put to death so that your sky Dad's supremacy can be proven.
Philosophy and Self Reflection (I.E. Egotism)[edit | edit source]
Science and Mathematics (or how we shoot big penis shaped objects into the moon)[edit | edit source]
Art, Music, Literature, and Self-Masturbatory Bullshit[edit | edit source]
Humans, as discussed above, have two main imperatives: sex and survival. And while civilization, politics and war are tools of survival, and wealth, technology and philosophy are tools for sex, there was still free time left over once humans had developed enough civilization to keep them reasonably safe and enough liberty to keep them reasonably laid. That which does not come directly from those other two main impulses is art.
Strictly speaking, art can also be about sex and survival, more than it can also help one achieve sex and survival (theoretically, because I can't see how). This means that art is meta, in that it is an observational, albeit interactive and subjective, way of dealing with the world in which the human inhabits and everything else around them. But not all art is about sex or survival, and most art is about nothing in particular at all.
Art, unlike almost every other thing that humans created or discovered, has no purpose. It is entirely illogical, and merely stimulates the idiotic parts of the human brain that allows humans to feel overwhelming beauty, moodiness, ego-tickling, and a false sense of intellectual superiority. It serves the human ego to claim that art is valuable and productive, but in all honesty it is no mathematics. At the end of the day, all art is meaningless and banal. You can tell, because humans will often see art where none exists, such as in sunsets, rainbows, 'faces' on toast and Mars, the laughter of babies, and the 'music of nature.'
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