In the Revengerists Universe, Awesomes tend to have different forms of being awesome whether it is energy attacks or being able to punch people's backs really well. One of the things that are not these awesome things is magic.
People tend to take magic as this amazing thing people use to do combat tricks with like throw gay fireballs or summon a demon to fuck them in the ass or something. But magic doesn't do that, magic is probably the most useless combat tool in the world.
Magic is incredibly difficult to perform, it takes extreme concious will and concentration from the user and has extreme side effects. An explanation can be foudn in this wiki article:
There is a dimension that exists as all energy, the Omniverse Architects use this energy to perform various acts of creation and physical manipulation. This energy is not intended for anyone else to use, but since humans have an innate ability to manipulate this energy at a microscopic fraction of ability the Architects can, they can perform "magic."
History of Magic[edit | edit source]
In 1856 the Magic Industrial Complex was owned by Magic Magicman, a dairy farmer. All 135 acres were owned by him and it was beautiful farm land with surrounding forests and groves. The still standing Cherry Grove is a testament to this fact.
Over the years Magicman built various grand stands and attractions, it became the Magic park. Eventually he attracted agricultrual contractors and thus the Industrial COmplex was born.
In ancient times people became aware of their innate ability to manipulate the energies of the magicstream when several people at once exploded in really gay rainbow colors. People attempted to reproduce this phenomenon but were unable to without days of extreme concentration, and most of them just died becuase they hadn't taken a poop or dehydrated.
Experiments were performed and an order was formed in the dark ages, the Sorcerer's Order. There they recorded the various spells that could be weaved with magic, but they weren't very impressive or all that useful. Over the centuries people continued to attempt to use magic, but only a few were even relatively successful.
To perform any kind of magic it takes decades of developing mental discipline and will power in order to manipulate the energies of the magicstream, create a spark to create a flame takes hours of streaming pure magic into this reality. A simple charm spell takes days of incantation and chanting and prancing about like a god damned idiot.
After millions of attempts at developing combat magic, the first battle mages were created some time in the dark ages as an experimental means of combat troop. Most of them were simply unable to cast magic in battle and those who did ended up lighting themselves on fire. Most battle mages had to be deployed to the battlefield weeks before the battle even occurred.
There were even attempts at storing magic power to use in charms, pendants, statues, symbols, swords, toys, severed heads, dicks, and pizza, but these strategies proved fruitless. Most magic containers either exploded, crumbled to dust, or dissappeared upon usage attempts.
After many failures, magic had become less widely used among consumers and was mostly forgotten. Only a handful of sorcerors exist and most of them are pretty useless or overly specialized.
Magic Today[edit | edit source]
Magic today is mostly used for practical purposes or for relatively vague intentions. Very few people with the mental fortitude to use magic exist and those who do rarely use it, because it's a pain in the ass.
Magic Spells[edit | edit source]
Actual Useful Spells: Charms - Collective thought is put into an object and when worn the object can give relatively small amounts or protection or an aura of personality. An example would be a Charm charm, where the person's social ability is increased because people in the radius of the aura seem to not hate the person as much, sometimes they think about dicks.
Muse - A spell can be directed specifically at a person in order to inspire them into great feats. An artist may have more ideas for a work of art, such a spell is what gives The Big Man his incredible basketball skills.
Manipulation - Magic can be used to cause life to grow at an accellerated rate or more efficiently. A forest can be given personality kind of like that forest with Tom Bombadil in LOTR, man what a shame that character wasn't added into the movie.
Communication - Sometimes if the Sorceror is good enough he can send a really short message to another person via magic, but if they want to have a conversation they have to pay up to 10 cents per minute or varying rates. Most of the time the Sorceror just says his message in the 3 seconds it gives him, then hangs up.
Other vague bullshit (Enchanting) - Casting a spell on a piece of metal so it is sharper when the smith turns it into a steak knife. A key can be spelled on so that it always goes in the lock on the first shot instead of having to jiggle it a little bit. A part of a buiding can be enchanted so a person will be directed back to the entrance if they get to a certain spot and not remember what happened.
Stupid Bullshit Spells that can't be done:
Combat - No, you can't cast fucking stupid gay fireballs because it takes too much power and effort. Why is this a fucking default attack in video games anyway? DOn't people have any imagination? OOoooh, a fireball, great.
Telepathy - It took one of the greater sorceror's almost mind breaking effort to lift a feather with his mind very slowly, this is useless. Get up and get that pen yourself you lazy asshole! A fat fuck on a scooter munching on a pound of chipped ham in walmart is more useful than you.
Transformation - No, you can't turn yourself into a bear although that'd be pretty neat. One sorceror who tried to give himself wings ended up with no back and had to wear a prosthetic back. You can't turn anyone into a newt or toad.
Barriers and that kind of stupid fucking garbage - It just takes a lot of energy to maintain a barrier that could actually deflect an object, plus you can't see them and they'll burn your face off if you touch it.
Time travel - This is just dumb, you can time travel in other ways like real SCIENCE or Time Fuckery like Dr Evilus does. Don't even tell me about the speed of light, because that theory isn't even real tiem travel you god damned moron.
Other vague bullshit - I don't really know, why don't you just look at all of the crappy rpgs and MMORPGs and other forms of role playing that involves stupid magic that is dumb.
Why Magic is Dumb[edit | edit source]
Let's look at the various uses for magic and a way to do that with something that isn't incredibly homosexual.
Fireball - You can do this with more efficiency if you just shot a missile at someone or light them on fire with gasoline.
Ice attack - Get some ice and throw it
Lightning - Tazer
Barrier - You ever heard of something called a door? Or a shield? Or a wall?
Telepathy - Get off your lard ass and pick up the remote you idiot. You can also use a grabbing claw or throw something. Wnat to pick up something heavy? Use a fucking vehicle like a crane or front loader.
Any spells dealing in increasing a person's presence or skill - Maybe you should stop being an introverted retard and get out and go to that party and talk to that girl who probably isn't interested in you because you're too lazy to work out. Practice a sport instead of relying on MAAAAGIC to do it.
Scrying - Use a security camera
Psychic Messages - Use a phone, we have cell phones. You're paying 50 bucks a month for it, might as well use those minutes.
Energy/Beam attacks - Umm, a number of awesomes can do these kinds of things WITHOUT magic.
manipulation - Get some fertilizer dipshit. That tree doesn't need to talk, what is it going to say? "Hey there, got any vitamin rich soil?"
There are a million other dumb things that are done with "magic" and they're all dumb. Dumb. Dumb Dumb Dumb dumbdumbdumbdumb
Notable Magic Users:[edit | edit source]
Grandmaster Greyson Frask - Probably the most powerful Sorceror in Ancient times. His power was so great he could create a protection charm in like half the time a lesser mage could. He participated in the battle mage experiment where he attempted to channel magic into a wave attack, but the spell fizzled on him and he was left standing amongst all of his enemies unable to defend himself. Died by getting stabbed to death.
The Memsk - Super Villain Magician in modern times. He usually casts prank spells or pain in the ass spells because that's all he's good at. He is sometimes at odds with Hot Knife.
Fardo Pribrilibrab - Walks around the world making forests malicious entities. SInce he's immortal he has a lot of free time to do this, which is why he's been able to do it at all.
Magic Use among the Revengerists[edit | edit source]
When they're bored, the Revengerists sometimes use magic for entertainment purposes. This is how the various magical artifacts they have were created, most of these artifacts have no practical use or are extremely volatile. As a result they just kind of sit around in the Revengerists Museum of Magical Artifacts, a place where only the shit they make exists.
Known Artifacts of the Revengerists [edit | edit source]
The Jugallo Pendantallo - A necklace that gives the wearer an increased desire to listen to ICP and drink Faygo. Created by Malicious Mitch when he used to be really into ICP.
Collar of Eternity - Another neck worn piece of jewelry, it is said that the person who puts on the collar gains infinite power. This rumor is spread so that people are dumb and actually try to wear it, instead when someone wears the collar it makes them fart a lot. I mean A TON. It is currently forbidden to wear the collar due to the smelly nature of intestinal gas.
The Garlic Painting - The Mexican Scientist made a painting, a really boring painting of someone standing on a bridge. The rest of the Revengerists thought it needed some "charm" so they channeled magic into it. It ended up just smelling like Garlic. No matter how powerful the shield or scent used to hide it, the room still smells faintly of garlic.
All items (83)
- Contact Juggling
- Crystal Skull
- MIsSTress HamMeAts
- Monty Hall Problem
- Sonny Veil
- South Side Santa
- Sword of the Dark
- The Baba Yaga
- The Battle of the Good guys and the Bad Guys that happened
- The Gospels According to Nate
- The Quickening
- Time Travel
- Troxler Effect