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Sports are the sporty sports that we are sporting. They are very sportsmanlike and we know a lot about sports.

When one sports, it is called sporting. One who sports is called a sports-man, regardless of gender.

You can tell how good a sport is by how excited the people watching it are or how much fun the people playing it seem to have. This is why Basketball is regarded at The Best Sport and Golf is regarded as The Worst Sport.

Sports are physical activities resembling games but requiring more sweat and movement but less imagination. They are heavily rigid in both rules and regulation administered by mysterious men in striped uniforms whom everyone acknowledges is the arbiter and final word on such things but are also universally recognized as completely moronic nincompoops. Those who break the rules are labeled 'unsporting', 'unfair', 'no fair!' or simply 'cheaters.' If the nefarious and idiotic striped men do not recognize such behavior as cheating, or likewise call non-cheating behavior out as cheating, then great arguments ensue the following Monday with heavy casualties on all sides.


"Air Bud" - Basketball Rules

You are legally allowed to shoot someone over any arguments regarding sports, unless you are closer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last defender, as this is off-sides. In recent decades the wanton murder due to sporting arguments has been cut down due to a system of complicated brackets, but is still a threat in primitive culture like Brazil and the UK.

If you want to pretend that you know a lot about sports but you don't, just say ambigious things like, 'what a moron!' and 'that was one for the history books, eh?' Since most sports fans have trouble understanding more than a couple of syllables at a time anyway, no one will be the wiser.

Manly Sports[]

There are many sporting activities that make the man feel more possessed of his body, mind and spirit, a compatriot with his teammates, and more vital in his moral fairness, social confidence, and dickhard-havingness. Good sporting increases both natural testosterone and unnatural chemical intake as well (for some reason).

Women are barred from playing manly sports, with the given excuse that they are too weak and it is for their own safety. "The big brawny men will protect the sweet widdle damsels from the physical rigors of exertion!" Since this is clearly Utter Bullshit, the real reason is that men are instinctually afraid that women will whup their pathetic asses at every sport on this list:

  • Rugby
  • Football
  • Soccer
  • Arm Wrestling
  • Martial Arts
  • Gun Fu
  • War Games
  • War
  • Parkour
  • Jai Alai
  • Contact Frisbee Golf
  • Harpoon Fishing
  • Bareknuckle Boxing
  • High-Speed Train Robbery
  • Euchre
  • Foxhunting
  • Whalehunting
  • Manhunting (the most dangerous game, in fact)

Extra points are awarded if played with manly facial hair.

Extreme Sports[]

Are a lot like other sports, just in their extremest version. Any sport you play while jacked up on a substance such as Gatorade, Red Bull, or anabolic steroids becomes more extreme. You can also just do a line of coke, that shit will make even golf extreme.

Also known as X-Sports, because people with the mighty X-gene are superior at participating in them, they are sponsored by Mountain Dew and those who excel at them are considered minor celebrities who get their own video game and energy drink deals, maybe a voice cameo on the Simpsons, and are soon forgotten. Watching Extreme Sports will help pump you up, even wake you up when you're feeling tired, but will probably annoy your girlfriend. They are especially dangerous and the vast majority of people attempting them die every day.

  • Skateboarding
  • Skydiving
  • Deepsea Diving
  • Bungie Jumping
  • Ninjitsu
  • Bullfighting
  • Running of the Bulls
  • Sharkfighting
  • Running of the Sharks
  • BMX Biking (cross-country non-stop)
  • the Tony Hawk video games
  • Air guitar
  • Caber tossing
  • Aerobatics
  • High-wire Trapeze
  • daredevil motorcycle jumps
  • Bumfighting
  • Volcano Diving
  • Dodgeball

Winter Sports[]

Are any sports that take place during the winter. Technically, they do not have to incorporate any winter elements, just coincide with the months when Earth is farthest from the sun. For example, Hockey is usually considered a winter sport, but it only truly is when played during December/January/February. Part of the misconception comes from the Winter Olympics, the handicapped younger sister to the Real Olympics.


Winter Sports may include;

  • Hockey (the only real sport on this list)
  • Air Hockey
  • Skiiing
  • Being a Luger
  • Jamaican Bobsled
  • Basketball (if you're dumb enough to play it in the winter)
  • Ice Polo
  • Those weird 'Polar Bear Clubs' where old men swim in icy-cold water to "feel alive again"
  • Snowball Fights
  • Figure Skating (cross-country non-stop)
  • Curling
  • Cat Curling
  • the inevitable 'escape from Hoth' level of every Star Wars game ever
  • ice cream eating contests
  • Driving your car in winter conditions
  • Putting an ice cube down your sibling's shirt or blouse and then running

Water Sports[]

We're not entirely sure what this is. Maybe you should look it up on Google Images. Turn off filters.

Tame-Ass Karate Sports[]

Are sports relegated to those who do not have any actual talents or skills but want to convince other that they are Awesome. These are poser wannabes who foolishly think that they can buy their way into being Awesome. It would be sad, if it weren't also so mind-numbingly boring.

Ironically, Karate is not considered part of this list.

  • Tennis
  • Volleyball (though it maybe interesting to watch)
  • Badminton
  • Golf
  • Uno
  • non-College Basketball
  • Polo
  • Tandem Rowing
  • Crossfit
  • Softball
  • Hot Power Yoga
  • Hot-Air Ballooning
  • Cycling
  • Speed Walking
  • Mall Walking
  • Shuffleboard
  • Sailboat Racing
  • Whatever else rich people do to bide their time and convince themselves that they are 'sporting'


  • Baseball, which is too complicated and weird to talk about here.

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