"Illuminati who? Illuminati nation." ~Mykki Blanco


THE ILLUMINATI, also known as the Iliminiti and Illuminati Nation, is an ancient evil organization that is currently in charge of all the other ancient evil organizations on the planet. Every single thing that happens, including my typing and your reading this, is done because the Illuminati makes it happen. They mostly administer the Shadow Government you've heard so much about. They want to bring about a New World Order, which sounds like an 80s newwave band but is actually a massive one world government, which will either end up good like the Federation in Star Trek, or bad like in 1984 -- you decide!

They are a magickal group sworn to protect mankind from external threats such as lizardmen, astral powers, aliens, and socialist ideas, in order that they themselves may then enslave them.

One does not simply 'join' Illuminati, as one 'does' or just 'is' Illuminati.

Groups proven to be Illuminati[edit | edit source]

  • Grand Old Opry
  • Mossad

It should be noted that nobody knows what the fuck is up with N. Korea.

Individuals proven to be Illuminati[edit | edit source]

  • Mr. Bad Society Man
  • Nikolai Tesla - from the Goddamned future, Time Lord
  • Alan Thicke
  • Beyonce (especially when she conquered the Super Bowl)
  • Bill Gates
  • Jean Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart)
  • Maurice Sendak
  • Allen Ginsberg
  • Leonard Nimoy - (but was secretly a double agent getting information to the public from the inside, shit, I hope I didn't just blow up his spot addendum. R.I.P. comrade Leonard)
  • Lawrence Welk
  • Lady Gaga
  • Dan Ackroyd
  • Fuhrer Bradley
  • Adam Wessaupt
  • Chris Anderson (of Wired magazine)
  • Wes Anderson
  • Shigeru Miyamoto
  • Michael Crichton
  • J.J Abrahams
  • Steve Ditko
  • Jack Kirby
  • Gene Roddenberry

Illuminati Facts[edit | edit source]

  • The Illuminati do not exist.
  • The Illuminati never existed.
  • The Illuminati will never exist.

This message brought to you by the Illuminati.

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