The dreaded Retcon Wars are an ongoing temporal battle between the forces of good and evil. Due to the anachronistic nature of these battles, however, it is often impossible to determine just who is good and who is evil.
Using the Power of the Retcon, beings in the Revengerists Omniverse travel back through the timestream, altering major events in the Comics to their own sick, twisted, degenerate ends. These time traveling douchenozzles both figuratively and literally kill so many butterflies, that a panoply of alternate timelines diverge from Timeline Zero.
They do not just edit things to their liking 'going forward' from that point, but change them so that the original never existed in the first place. This is especially heinous because it makes it much more difficult, if not impossible, to revert to the original.
Even those attempting to course-correct inevitably alter the timeline as well. A microcosmic example of this macrocosm is evident on this very Wiki, where "contributors" will edit and delete each others' work until the resulting mash-up is of no discernable use to anyone.
Examples of retconning behavior include;
- killing a beloved or hated character/historical figure or king
- inserting steamy romance between main heroes or villains
- rollback edits
- resurrecting the dead, preventing death, or other acts of necromancy
- making oneself integral to the events in the timestream in aggravating ways
- either de-powering an Awesome, or else em-powering a character to the point of Godhead ridiculousness
- transmuting existing characters into animals or furries or cyborgs or babies or gender-swapped versions, etc.
- witnessing historical events
- altering historical events
- making money off of historical events
- cleaning up complex or challenging stories with overly convenient wrap-ups
- attempting to tie up the disparate loose ends of multiple story arcs or alternate time lines
- punching plot holes in reality with dimension door rips
- crossovers between otherwise non-affiliated realms
- rebooting the entire universe
- other shit that is downright... unnerving.
Most legislation ping-ponged back and forth between the various Houses of Congress, committes, super-committees, can be thought of as retconned (alternately) by conservatives and liberals. This is why nothing is ever accomplished.
There are many factions taking part in the Retcon Wars, each to their own nefarious ends:
- Realists - Realists are fans of the Omniverse who are most interested in witnessing and participating in the fantastic events portrayed in
comics and fictionthe historical record. As they believe that it is all 'real' and has 'happened', they are not concerned with how their actions may affect the timestream, and may even relish the fact. They are disruptive and chaotic elements with no regard to the feelings of others, especially their most favorite characters' lives. Luckily, they are also the most tame-ass karate , and are not usually capable of pulling off a successful retcon.
- Fin Factions - These shitty little shit troll things are the fucking worst... FUCK YOU. They write themselves in as the most powerful character in the Revengerist Omniverse, write conflicting backstories with the expanded Omniverse, write dialogue that makes Stephanie Meyer look like Samuel Beckett, write all the characters in sexual trysts with all the other characters, and just plain write badly. Their retcons may not initially be intended as malicious, unlike those of others, but they usually still end up being the fucking worst.
- Trueists - Trueists adore the veracity of original source material above all things, and thus will fight tooth and nail to preserve it. They engage in Retcon Wars only to revert the timestream back to its natural state, though this is often easier said than done, as original source material is hard to come by, and changes in the very timestream may affect reality and everyone's memories of it, including Trueists. They wage heavy war against Realists and Fin Factions, but also amongst themselves for daring to mess about in the continuity, or 'canon'.
- Time Travelers - For any number of reasons, characters often have to time travel. Depending on the method of doing so, they may split off new timelines or result in devastating historical changes. This is why Abraham Lincon is dead, why WWII happened, why there are 50 U.S. States, the dodo went extinct, dinosaurs have feathers, the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded, and why grolexes no longer exist. Tread very carefully when time traveling, or better yet, JUST DON'T DO IT.
- Time Cops - Time Police (or Time Enforcers, Time Cops, or simply, 'Time Pigs') are tasked with detaining any aunauthorized transgressors in the timestream. They are not necessarily tasked with protecting reality from alteration, as they are not a legislative force, but this is the hopeful goal of stopping violators from the misuse of these powers. They themselves are authorized in a limited capacity to prevent retconners and time travelers alike from breaking reality atwain, and then holding said suspects until further punishment can be meted out by the appropriate judicial body.
- Forum Moderators - Forum Moderators are not interested in either changing or not changing the timeline at all. They just want all of you morons to play nice with each other. They will delete your hate speech or block incessant trolls, or make final decisions on what edits to keep and which to discard. Anger the Mods at your own peril.
- Villains - Evil madmen, scientists and overlords use a variety of techniques to defeat their enemies using the Retcon Wars. They may try to smother their foes as babies, or kill their mothers before they were born, or simply prevent a recent defeat to save face. They may also just make themselves look good, or grant themselves ultimate power with riches or the presidency or the like. Hero-type Awesomes need to be most vigilant against this form of treachery. On rare occasions, they may retcon themselves into being good.
- Aliens - Aliens regularly traverse and alter the Omniverse's time and space, but to mysterious ends. They are creepy and usually silent as to their motives, and many, including the Time Cops, Fox Mulder, and at times the Revengerists, have done battle with them. Still they weave their webs of deceit and cattle-mutilation, retconning such monumental events as the building of the pyramids and the Big Bang.
- The Revengerists - The Revengerists are ambivalent to retcons, alternately encouraging and discouraging them. This may itself be a result of the Retcon Wars, and the Revengerists and individual members have been seen fighting for both 'sides'. While decrying the idiocy of fin factions, they also promote Retcon Wednesday (#RetconWed ), a day for popular fiction to be riddled with the holes of fanservice.
- Vandals - A special breed of lunatic that enjoys traveling through time and space leaving their literal mark of graffiti everywhere they go. They may also culture-jam, Kilroy, upstart, rabble-rouse, troll, parody, protest, and Occupy. Mostly, however, they are just dicks who want to see the timestream burn.
- Fox News - is constantly retconning in attempts to alter reality to their way of thinking. They rewrite history, economics, philosophy , how science works, and the facts of current events. They are often re-editing tapes to show a certain viewpoint, lie about the words spoken by the presidents, misrepresent statistics, and bring on "experts" to mislead their audience. They are the most evil of all the types of retconners that exist.
It should be noted however, that any particular 'retconner' can be in several of the above groups at once, especially if they have messed with their own timeline significantly.
The Revengerists, with the historical know-how of Commodore Bob and the necromancy ofDer Kirche , attempted to use genetic monstrification to create a race of dinosaurs to timefuck the enemies of time. They succeeded in making dinosaurs more badass (and also in their having of feathers as an unexpected bonus), luckily these roided-out Liefeld versions were immediately killed after being useful for the Revengerists' causes, by a global asteroid strike.
Examples of a 'successful' retcon would be the Penultimate Exigency following the Great Comics Purge. By successful, of course, we mean that it happened and still exists in the record of Revengerist lore. Not that it was good or anything. It wasn't.