It's a game where if you snap your leg off and have it hanging by a thread of skinstrands, it doesn't matter so long as you make the goal.
It's a game that causes riots worldwide even if your stupid team wins, and coaches turn into supervillains overnight.
It's a game whose outcome can be predicted by clairvoyant octopi.
It's a game that dictates the sexual behavior of its players, sucks the financial lifeblood of the countries it visits, and causes violent arguments over it's very name (soccer, football, futbol), let alone team loyalties.
With non-stop action and more sweat than the rain forests that are cleared for the stadiums in which the game is played, it is surprisingly low on scoring and often ends in a 0-0 tie. Everyone pretends to know what this game is about, but apparently any time something interesting happens, referees decide that it is illegal, and revert back to a more mundane version of the sport.
It has many rules that nobody knows what they are, because the game is deceptively simple. Kick (or headbutt) that ball as hard as you can into the net on the other side. One guy over there is trying to stop you from achieving your GOOOOOAAAAAL. And we all hate that guy. Seriously. Even the people on the same fucking team as him hate him. Think about it. He's the only person whose job is fundamentally different than everyone else playing the same goddamn game. And that fucker gets to use his hands. Most players kick the ball, pass and shoot millions of times with little success, and it's no big deal. But if that goalie fucks up once, ONE TIME, I swear to GOD there'll be hell to pay!
The heroes of the game are many, diverse, and from every unknown part of the world - their love of the game and immediate willingness to sell their bodies to multinational corporations the common values that bind them.
It has invaded and conquered nearly every country in the world, and humanity is helpless to stop it.If you don't enjoy this sport (and many don't, though it is perhaps because the alien virus has not taken hold yet), then don't worry. People will just ignore it for three years (though it is always taking place somewhere) until the fourth year when they won't stop screaming and vuvuzeling about it. This too, shall pass.