Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt ( /ˈroooʊzəvɛldtht/ roh-zə-velt; "Chief Scout Citizen" October 27, 1858 – Present) was the 26th President of the United States of America (1901–1909). He is noted for his exuberant personality, range of interests and achievements, and his leadership of the Progressive Movement, as well as his "cowboy" persona, robust masculinity, super-strength, invincibility, invulnerability, redundant healing factor, immortality, indefatigable stomach, and robust masculinity. He was a leader of the Republican Party and founder of the short-lived Progressive ("Bull Moose") Party of 1912. Before becoming President, he held offices at the city, state, and federal levels. Roosevelt's achievements as a naturalist, explorer, championship boxer, cattle rancher, hunter, dragon-slayer, pudding eater, author, moustachean , crime-fighter, war hero, black belt in ju-jitsu, party-goer and soldier are as much a part of his fame as any office he held as a politician. He is the greatest Awesome ever to have lived. Though benevolent, he sometimes devoured worlds.
Teddy Roosevelt is immune to all forms of physical damage, degeneration, pain, energy attacks, or psionic penetration. For Teddy Roosevelt cannot be destroyed. One of his superpowers was to give himself other magic powers. Teddy Roosevelt knows of our la-zer technology. Teddy Roosevelt invented lasers when he learned how to shoot them from his glasses. He can also shoot lightning, from his wrists, like Spider-Man but with lightning. He would later learn how to transcend time and space and literally exist in as many parts of the Omniverse as he pleased. Teddy Roosevelt, as a conservationist, spawned several forms of life that God unduly gets credit for, such as oysters, maqaques, plankton, bush babies, the whirlybird, and the mighty scotoplane (which he later vowed to destroy). Teddy Roosevelt can eat anything he chooses, including that stuff inside Magna-Doodles (it's not magnets, it's not doodles, wtf!?!?). The only thing he chooses not to eat is anything from Golden Corral, which is totally nasty.
Teddy Roosevelt was born into a pile of swaddling $1,000 bills on the top of a golden pyramid on a chalice visited by angels Mordecai and Jeffro (doing whatever angels would do over a baby), to the wealthy Roosevelt family in an alleyway in New York City (the only city possible of conceiving him). As a baby, he didn't need to use money, but double-fisted titties. Damn straight. And no one dared change his diaper!
His first conquest was to defeat asthma, which he chewed up for breakfast and then ran for 100 miles dawn to dusk.
At the ripe age of one years old, he had whooped a puma (or mountain lion or sand cat, depending on the region), devoured half off Mt. Everest (which was bigger then), 83+Cancer, save the world from a fiery ball of AIDs, these are but some of the amazing things that he did. And more!
Teddy Roosevelt earned all degrees after his first year of education, his teachers just didn't want him to hit them. He then spent the rest of his formative years traveling, hunting big game, battling, growing his moustache out, and causing the very Earth to tremble. He spoke German and French fluently and studied at Harvard and Europe, learning everything there is to know about geography and biology. While at Harvard one of his professors got super pissed at him for being so awesome and yelled, "See here Roosevelt, I am the one teaching this class!" Teddy Roosevelt threw a chair out the window and punched his professor in the mouth.wouldn't believe
When his wife and his mother both died on the same day (Valentine' Day, 1884) he moved West and converted to Cowboy so that he would be physically incapable of crying.Henry Cabot Lodge, President William McKinley appointed Roosevelt to the post of Assistant Secretary of the Navy in 1897. Because of the inactivity of Secretary of the Navy John D. Long, this gave Roosevelt control over the department. Ten days after the battleship Maine exploded  in the harbor of Havana, Cuba, the Secretary left for a massage, and Roosevelt became Acting Secretary for four hours. Roosevelt told the Navy worldwide to prepare for war, ordered ammunition and supplies, brought in experts, and went to Congress asking for authority to recruit as many sailors as he wanted, thus moving the nation toward war. Roosevelt was instrumental in preparing the Navy for the Spanish-American War and was an enthusiastic supporter of testing the U.S. military in combat, at one point saying, "I should welcome almost any war, for I think this country needs one". Who says that!? Teddy Roosevelt also issued proclamations of war without having the authority to do so, and people still did what he said.When Teddy Roosevelt charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill without orders from his superiors, he was given the Medal of Honor, a promotion, and a big check for $500. He used this money to further his moustache efforts, finding the secret port-a-potty portal to the moustachean dimension. Teddy Roosevelt then beat his way into the ranks of the moustachean peoples, and was immediately heralded as their king with chants of "we cool! we cool!"Having spent some time in the Navy, it was only right that they make him the leader of it. Urged by Roosevelt's close friend, Congressman
There is an undocumented moment in American history atop San Juan Hill where Teddy was visited by three ghost aliens, who unlocked the secrets of his mutant powers and spurred his second mutation.
Teddy Roosevelt was Zorro, all along!
Around this time Teddy Roosevelt invented karate and won the world championship jell-o puddin' pop-eating competition against the Cosby Twelve of Planet Cosby in the Cosbium System Elders of Cosby Cosbiculate Cos eaauuughghhghghghgh y'see?
Vice-President Teddy Roosevelt was battling an evil and fellow immortal Van Buren atop a mountain whilst President McKinley was shot, and so was unable to rush in front of the bullet so it could bounce back at the shooter. After revealing himself and his nefarious intentions, this began Roosevelt and Van Buren's bittle presidential rivalry for epochs to come.
He immediately used his Presidential powers to bust into every large megacorporation and bank in America and then bust the lips, jaws, and puffy fat rich faces of the corrupt power business elites, even though these evil men had previously trusted the politicians to do whatever they were told. This is why he was known as a Trust Buster.
He eventually won his own Presidential election in a landslide victory (which resulted in seventeen dead), as there wasn't a single human alive who would dare vote against him. History does not record who even ran against him, if they survived or if they even ever existed.
He needed no bodyguards, but since it was policy, he enlisted Texas Rangers, gunslingers and Pinkertons to do the job.
Roosevelt created the White House press corps, numerous national parks, Oklahoma, promoted science, purified foods, made the trains arrive on time, boxed in state rooms, hiked while having meetings, read several books a day in multiple languages, spoke out against racism, desegregated many schools, multiplied the power of the army and navy, fought wars for other countries and just scared others away from conflict, sailed a bunch of big battleships around the world, won the Nobel Peace Prize, joined the NRA and carried a pistol around at all times, built the Panama Canal, kept a bear and a lion as pets, went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River during winter, and appointed 75 federal judges while president, all as the youngest person to become President ever. He eventually tired of this, and decided to move on to other things.
Presidential Battle Royale: Roosevelt v. Van-Buren
Space Jesus all pissed off and he fuckin' starts kicking ass, nearly destroying Van Buren and Teddy Roosvelt! WHAT WILL OUR DARING DUO DO NEXT? “Quick, Van-Buren! Aim a dark haddoken directly at his sixth head!” Van Buren musters all his power and blasts the beast in one of its many heads. “Now I shall use my repulsor ray!” Teddy's repulsor ray was enough to knock Space Jesus back into an alternate universe, and rather painfully, at that. “Good Job, old foe... ” said the majestic Teddy, “Or, rather, 'old friend?'”Van Buren cringed “Friends? You? BWHAHAHAHHA!!!” The ground began to tremble... in space. “VAAAANNNN BUURRRENNNNN!” Teddy shouted, trembling the space-ground even more. “Now's my chance” As Van Buren gives Teddy the slip and ends up unlocking the aforementioned gate-o-hell. “VAAAANNNN BUUURRRRENNNNN!” Teddy shouted, again. Van Buren marched into Hell and was instantly greeted by some dude named “Virgil.” Van Buren swiftly decapitated him. Van Buren pressed on into Hell, kicking the ass of any 13th century Itallian allegory that got into his path to ascend to the apartment of the Beast himself, and then sub-letting the throne! Teddy, thought dead for ages, returned from his carbonite prison to rescue the universes again from a new threat: Van Buren and the Devil: Roommates. Watch as Teddy Roosevelt descends into hell and shows up as an unwanted house-guest! watch as Teddy plays BOTH sides of this wacky situation. Only on ABC'S “Holy Shit This Can't Be Legal” Sundays at 8pm EST."'s more evil than most people know. He andTeddy have waged a furious intergalactic war spanning eons over their differences in character. many worlds were crushed, and galaxies obliterated... and this war rages even today; when the tides roll in high, and the Four Moons of Albershcact have converged, standing atop Mount Washington, you can hear them shooting haddokens at each other and shattering worlds, shaking the very gates of Hell, which gets
Teddy's third mutation was triggered when he realized that nobody was going to fine him for his overdue library books. Teddy Roosevelt overthrew Zeus, becoming himself unto a God.
Teddy lives on in Space Europe. He left plenty of his work here on Earth undone, just like your typical liberal. He sometimes appears to heroes in battle like a Force-Ghost, but more like a Cheshire Roosevelt, which is what they call it.
Trivia: Memorize it NOW!
- Teddy Roosevelt doesn't take shit from anyone, and those who are insolent have their stomachs ripped from their bodies through their mouths and then worn inside-out as a sock puppet and mocked.
- After hearing Thomas Marshall say "Death will have to take him sleeping. For if Roosevelt is awake, there will be a fight", Teddy Roosevelt never fell asleep again.
- Teddy Roosevelt predicted Chris Farley.
- If you know what is good for you, just don't sit on Teddy Roosevelt's furniture, for God's sakes! It's not that he would harm you, you just couldn't handle its spine-rupturing awesome.
- When Teddy Roosevelt battles, he is always reading a book. This is how he is able to read several books a day, because Teddy Roosevelt fights all day, every day. Because he memorizes a book upon first glance, the book does not need to be present while he does this.
- Once said, "speak softly, and carry a big stick to beat the shit out of people with." This makes him a particular hero among Revengerists
- Teddy bears were named after him because bears were his favorite food.
Legacy on Earth
Roosevelt's legacy includes several other important commemorations. The United States Navy named two ships for Roosevelt: the USS Theodore Roosevelt (SSBN-600), a submarine that was in commission from 1961 to 1982; and the USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN-71), an aircraft carrier that has been on active duty in the Atlantic Fleet since 1986.
The Roosevelt Memorial Association (now the Theodore Roosevelt Association) or "TRA", was founded in 1920 to preserve Roosevelt's legacy. The Association preserved Roosevelt's birthplace, "Sagamore Hill" home, papers, and video film. In 1941, it published the Theodore Roosevelt Cyclopedia, a compendium of Roosevelt's key writings, sayings and conversations, which is available online.
Among the hundreds of schools and streets named in Roosevelt's honor are Roosevelt High School in Seattle, Washington, the surrounding Roosevelt neighborhood, the district's main arterial, Roosevelt Way N.E., and Roosevelt Middle School in Eugene, Oregon.