Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt ( /ˈroooʊzəvɛldtht/ roh-zə-velt; "Chief Scout Citizen" October 27, 1858 – Present) was the 26th President of the United States of America (1901–1909). He is noted for his exuberant personality, range of interests and achievements, and his leadership of the Progressive Movement, as well as his "cowboy" persona, robust masculinity, super-strength, invincibility, invulnerability, redundant healing factor, immortality, and robust masculinity. He was a leader of the Republican Party and founder of the short-lived Progressive ("Bull Moose") Party of 1912. Before becoming President, he held offices at the city, state, and federal levels. Roosevelt's achievements as a naturalist, explorer, championship boxer, cattle rancher, hunter, dragon-slayer, pudding eater, author, moustachean, crime-fighter, war hero, black belt in ju-jitsu, party-goer and soldier are as much a part of his fame as any office he held as a politician. He is the greatest Awesome ever to have lived. Though benevolent, he sometimes devoured worlds.
Teddy Roosevelt is immune to all forms of physical damage, degeneration, pain, energy attacks, or psionic penetration. For Teddy Roosevelt cannot be destroyed. One of his superpowers was to give himself other magic powers. Teddy Roosevelt knows of our la-zer technology. Teddy Roosevelt invented lasers when he learned how to shoot them from his glasses. He can also shoot lightning, from his wrists, like Spider-Man but with lightning. He would later learn how to transcend time and space and literally exist in as many parts of the Omniverse as he pleased. Teddy Roosevelt, as a conservationist, spawned several forms of life that God unduly gets credit for, such as oysters, maqaques, plankton, bush babies, the whirlybird, and the mighty scotoplane (which he later vowed to destroy). Teddy Roosevelt can eat anything he chooses, including that stuff inside Magna-Doodles (it's not magnets, it's not doodles, wtf!?!?). The only thing he chooses not to eat is anything from Golden Corral, which is totally nasty.
Teddy Roosevelt was born into a pile of swaddling $1,000 bills on the top of a golden pyramid on a chalice visited by angels Mordecai and Jeffro (doing whatever angels would do over a baby), to the wealthy Roosevelt family in an alleyway in New York City (the only city possible of conceiving him). As a baby, he didn't need to use money, but double-fisted titties. Damn straight. And no one dared change his diaper!
His first conquest was to defeat asthma, which he chewed up for breakfast and then ran for 100 miles dawn to dusk.
At the ripe age of one years old, he had whooped a puma (or mountain lion or sand cat, depending on the region), devoured half off Mt. Everest (which was bigger then), 83+Cancer, save the world from a fiery ball of AIDs, these are but some of the amazing things that he did. And more!
Teddy Roosevelt earned all degrees after his first year of education, his teachers just didn't want him to hit them. He then spent the rest of his formative years traveling, hunting big game, battling, growing his moustache out, and causing the very Earth to tremble. He spoke German and French fluently and studied at Harvard and Europe, learning everything there is to know about geography and biology. While at Harvard one of his professors got super pissed at him for being so awesome and yelled, "See here Roosevelt, I am the one teaching this class!" Teddy Roosevelt threw a chair out the window and punched his professor in the mouth.
When his wife and his mother both died on the same day (Valentine' Day, 1884) he moved West and converted to Cowboy so that he would be physically incapable of crying.Henry Cabot Lodge, President William McKinley appointed Roosevelt to the post of Assistant Secretary of the Navy in 1897. Because of the inactivity of Secretary of the Navy John D. Long, this gave Roosevelt control over the department. Ten days after the battleship Maine exploded  in the harbor of Havana, Cuba, the Secretary left for a massage, and Roosevelt became Acting Secretary for four hours. Roosevelt told the Navy worldwide to prepare for war, ordered ammunition and supplies, brought in experts, and went to Congress asking for authority to recruit as many sailors as he wanted, thus moving the nation toward war. Roosevelt was instrumental in preparing the Navy for the Spanish-American War and was an enthusiastic supporter of testing the U.S. military in combat, at one point saying, "I should welcome almost any war, for I think this country needs one". Who says that!? Teddy Roosevelt also issued proclamations of war without having the authority to do so, and people still did what he said.When Teddy Roosevelt charged up Kettle Hill and San Juan Hill without orders from his superiors, he was given the Medal of Honor, a promotion, and a big check for $500. He used this money to further his moustache efforts, finding the secret port-a-potty portal to the moustachean dimension. Teddy Roosevelt then beat his way into the ranks of the moustachean peoples, and was immediately heralded as their king with chants of "we cool! we cool!"Having spent some time in the Navy, it was only right that they make him the leader of it. Urged by Roosevelt's close friend, Congressman
There is an undocumented moment in American history atop San Juan Hill where Teddy was visited by three ghost aliens, who unlocked the secrets of his mutant powers and spurred his second mutation.
Teddy Roosevelt was Zorro, all along!
Around this time Teddy Roosevelt invented karate and won the world championship jell-o puddin' pop-eating competition against the Cosby Twelve of Planet Cosby in the Cosbium System Elders of Cosby Cosbiculate Cos eaauuughghhghghghgh y'see?
Bully!Vice-President Teddy Roosevelt was battling an evil and fellow immortal Van Buren atop a mountain whilst President McKinley was shot, and so was unable to rush in front of the bullet so it could bounce back at the shooter. After revealing himself and his nefarious intentions, this began Roosevelt and Van Buren's bittle presidential rivalry for epochs to come.
He immediately used his Presidential powers to bust into every large megacorporation and bank in America and then bust the lips, jaws, and puffy fat rich faces of the corrupt power business elites, even though these evil men had previously trusted the politicians to do whatever they were told. This is why he was known as a Trust Buster.
He eventually won his own Presidential election in a landslide victory (which resulted in seventeen dead), as there wasn't a single human alive who would dare vote against him. History does not record who even ran against him, if they survived or if they even ever existed.
He needed no bodyguards, but since it was policy, he enlisted Texas Rangers, gunslingers and Pinkertons to do the job.Roosevelt created the White House press corps, numerous national parks, Oklahoma, promoted science, purified foods, made the trains arrive on time, boxed in state rooms, hiked while having meetings, read several books a day in multiple languages, spoke out against racism, desegregated many schools, multiplied the power of the army and navy, fought wars for other countries and just scared others away from conflict, sailed a bunch of big battleships around the world, won the Nobel Peace Prize, joined the NRA and carried a pistol around at all times, built the Panama Canal, kept a bear and a lion as pets, went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River during winter, and appointed 75 federal judges while president, all as the youngest person to become President ever. He eventually tired of this, and decided to move on to other things.
Presidential Battle Royale: Roosevelt v. Van-Buren
Teddy's third mutation was triggered when he realized that nobody was going to fine him for his overdue library books.
Trivia: Memorize it NOW!
- Teddy Roosevelt doesn't take shit from anyone, and those who are insolent have their stomachs ripped from their bodies through their mouths and then worn inside-out as a sock puppet and mocked.
- After hearing Thomas Marshall say "Death will have to take him sleeping. For if Roosevelt is awake, there will be a fight", Teddy Roosevelt never fell asleep again.
Legacy on Earth
Roosevelt's legacy includes several other important commemorations. The United States Navy named two ships for Roosevelt: the USS Theodore Roosevelt (SSBN-600), a submarine that was in commission from 1961 to 1982; and the USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN-71), an aircraft carrier that has been on active duty in the Atlantic Fleet since 1986.
The Roosevelt Memorial Association (now the Theodore Roosevelt Association) or "TRA", was founded in 1920 to preserve Roosevelt's legacy. The Association preserved Roosevelt's birthplace, "Sagamore Hill" home, papers, and video film. In 1941, it published the Theodore Roosevelt Cyclopedia, a compendium of Roosevelt's key writings, sayings and conversations, which is available online.
Among the hundreds of schools and streets named in Roosevelt's honor are Roosevelt High School in Seattle, Washington, the surrounding Roosevelt neighborhood, the district's main arterial, Roosevelt Way N.E., and Roosevelt Middle School in Eugene, Oregon.